My Weekend in Koeln

This weekend I went on a road trip to Koeln with Adena, Jorma, and Jan. We stayed at Jan's parents place and had such a great time. His mom is the best hostess and is so warm and inviting. Along with sight-seeing, we hung out with his family and sat and told stories, made fun of each other, and just had a great time.

In my slide show there are pictures from the Koelner Dom and the area around the train station, and the Lindt Chocholate Museum! Loved going there! Did you know that chocolate is completely healthy for you--dark chocolate that is. As I was reading the articles along the walls in the museum, I was so happy because it confirmed everything I knew about the benefits of chocolate. I made brownies yesterday in celebration of this fact. Do you think the two cups of sugar and 2/3 cup of oil are also healthy? I choose ignorance in favor of the moist, gooey brownies that I can't stop eating!

I feel so free today! I feel like God has lifted this huge weight off of me and has opened my heart up. I asked him for a new soul, new spirit, to be refreshed and made new. That He has done. Everything that has happened over the last week and a half put me in such a vulnerable position that I immediately reverted back to old coping mechanisms and patterns of relating to people. Simply put, I put up walls to everyone because I felt vulnerable, like anyone could break me and I didn’t want to be broken—I don’t want to be powerless.

So of course I was angry and irritated. I push people away with my anger wanting people to back off and getting angry at them for not coming near me because “Can’t they see I am upset?” I sabotage relationships through my anger. I kill my desires by numbing myself out with food and then getting angry at myself for eating too much knowing I can gain weight so easily and then punishing myself by not eating much at all. I fear touch and become withdrawn because I do not want anyone to feed the fire in my heart that burns to be nourished with physical touch. I fear disappointment when they will not engage me any further and only seek to gain what they want from my physical being and not my soul. I hang my head in pity and self-loathing, feeling unworthy to engage the world around me and begging people to leave me alone. It is a sign of defeat. I completely disengage the world by sleeping off my time, hoping when I wake up the next morning it will somehow be different and I will wake up in another situation without having to face all those things that haunt me.

This was my week and a half and I feel like I can walk away from it today. I say today because I am not so foolish to think that I cannot be in this place again and that it will not haunt me further. There is much more work and healing to be done and I, like an alcoholic, will turn to the same coping mechanism(s) till the day I die or Jesus comes for me. But today I choose to walk in truth. I choose to believe that God has brought me down this path for my good and ultimately His glory in my life and the lives of those around me. I choose to believe that He is enough in my pain, in my weeping, in my fear, in my joy, in my laughter, in my sorrow, in my loss, in everything. He alone can carry me through. He is my anchor of hope for my soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19) I will walk further and not camp out in my pain because He has called me to keep walking with Him and has called me to play.

One of my favorite pictures I always have of God is this man who radiates with joy and delight, playing with this little girl who has long curly locks in a forest. They have found this secluded spot all to themselves and they are dancing and singing, frolicking and playing tag. Today He has run down the dark scary path ahead and has checked it out to make sure it is okay to travel down and that nothing too dangerous is out there. He comes back from the ominous path and is squatting down, with his arms stretched out, entreating this little girl to come and join Him, to take His hand and walk deeper into the woods. He promises He won’t go anywhere and will not leave her side. He will fight off the lions, the tigers, the bears, (Oh my!) and all the things that she fears He promises to give her strength to stand up to. Will this little girl continue to run and play, trusting her father? Yes, yes she will.

Hard Two Weeks

Needless to say, the last two weeks have been pretty hard on me. I don't have time to go into detail nor do I think it appropriate to online. It is interesting to me that I could go back so quickly to my old coping mechanisms and not even realize it. It really is amazing because God has done so many amazing things this past year and we have walked through them together. I guess some wounds are so deep the reaction is instant.

I am giving grace to myself and trying to get through one day at a time...

I wanted to share the scriptures God has given to me yesterday and today.

Yesterday: Psalm 126

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to [a] Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. [b]
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, [c] O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Today: James 1:2-5, 12

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

If you think of me, please pray for peace in my heart and God to speak loudly to me. I am often deaf.